Life On the Bside(with a soundtrack)

Directionless motion.

2009-07-11T19:11:00.000-07:00

In 3 weeks time my right arm will be almost completely covered in art. There will only be a small portion of my arm lacking nautical flair and after 2 years i'll have another chapter opened and closed on my arm. Some sort of distinguishing memory erased and philosophy uncovered.

There's a storm outside. It's tenacious, it's proud and full of glory. It flashes like a nightclub with loud beats and bass lines and it speaks to me of living in the south and of being a child. I'm getting older and i can feel it. i can feel it grasping at my veins and pulling on the tissues of my muscles and the fibers of eyes. I can feel this substantial craving to crave as Nietzche once wrote and i'm having a harder time putting it down. The constant fight against genetics to remain fit, get slimmer, turn into dense mass and fight against the constrains of my body. To view my body as an opponent rather than an ally has long since been a staple in my psychology. My endorphins surge through my brain and cause pins and needles and sweet comfortable numbness across my appendages. i writhe and put my palm to my forehead and breath deep. it feels like fucking, it feels like pulsating destruction and passion that my body has lacked for a long time.

See i'm not passionate about much anything. I fight for the rights of the enviroment and am baffled by people telling me "i know your trying to save the enviroment but..." when they don't realize i'm trying to save us even though i don't think we're much worth it anymore. I have skewed views on how to fix things, i have heartless thoughts concocted and am often told my viewpoints are entertaining if not staggeringly unsympathetic. See, i don't have sympathy for fuck-ups. I've been a fuck-up and there's always a way out and our society is a giant and ungaingly tumour upon this planet.

I don't feel through interactions with people but i certainly feel through novels and literature. i read and gasp and laugh out loud. i take deep breaths and sling my head back at points being made in books by fictional characters or real truth based seekers. i lash out with my mind and pivot my body and i work out my frustrations through the throws of pumping iron and running to sweat out the filth and the anger. I keep my beast at bay and i keep my longing to long deep locked away with pills and management.

Things are different for me, things are darker for me. they may not seem so but they certainly are and i can't help but feel the ominous throws of mother nature do well to compare. i smile and grin and flirt but i'm so uninterested in it all. If someone could pull me back from my dark sea i'd be thoroughly impressed and intoxicated but i don't have the capacity.

So
Spoon- Me and the Bean

http://brad.bothsidesofthemouth.com/July/Spoon-Me%20and%20the%20Bean.mp3

Been Gone

2009-05-11T21:35:00.000-07:00

Been a busy bee of late and not fairly busy in other ways. I tend to be overly exhausted to a degree that some may call handicapping. It could be the long hours but i'll argue it has more to do with the amount of physical assertion i've been outputting recently. I've missed the gym for 3 days for reasons such as being so incredibly exhausted by 7pm that i had passed out and did not wake until work the next day.

I've also been fairly social of late, more so than in recent times which include brunches, outtings, and dinnertime treats. The last of which tends to be appease my need for conversation but a terrace in the summer at lunch time in montreal is hard to beat. i don't think i can compare many things to the glam of parc lafontaine or duluth and St Denis bustling drunken behaviour on a friday afternoon with all the adults cradling their wine to their forearms. It breathes like the city ceases to breath throughout the winter. The suspension of exhales and inhales and the uncontrollable throb of the sun's call and the skies deep blue of an almost idealic sea fabricate a lovely carefree existence.

I've been on some fairly entertaining adventures such as the mishap that followed the creation of a Californian Pasta Dish involving a slice off finger and being locked out of my apartment for 2 days as well as having a friend locked out by haphazardly leaving her keys in my house. The gym is an adventure on it's own. It's amazing to think of your own body as the enemy, as the competition, and as the bitterest opponent of them all. I've pushed myself to some fairly large extremes with muscles wincing and lungs gasping for breath. i've forced more out of my body than it's had to deal with for a while. it's getting tuned up, derusted, fortified, and a new paint scheme and i am fairly happy with the results so far and can't wait for the results to improve. I also tend to bike 25km when it's not raining as a commute and that leads to my overall stamina improving. i hope to run in the Underground Marathon this year as a testament to endurance.

I've also been asked to make a breakfast menu for a vegan vegetarian place on monkland and am currently devising plans and ways of cooking without a stove top, har har har.

Tomorrow i see about getting a brand new flatscreen television with a home theater for franck and i's living room as well as plan on reading more of the apparently true story entitled "Confessions of an Economic Hitman" which i believe to have some splotches of colourings that weren't necessarily happenings.

There will be no music post however i suggest people pick up and read the book, "Risk." It's a tad repetetive with statistics but certainly does a fair job of explaining and highlighting how incapable we are as people to handle risks objectively in today's society due to marketing, media, and basic psychology.

Vegan Ice Cream Machine

2009-03-20T11:45:00.000-07:00

My house is full of machines and i will be baking my own bread from now on as well. Franck and i are pretty sure we could live in a tiny house in the woods and be okay at this point.

I would also like to state that i have no idea how i had any fun at those dance parties. The crowd must have been different because simply it looks rather disgusting these days and hurts the old ears.

Tomorrow,

Missed Kid Koala

2009-03-16T20:55:00.001-07:00

missed kid koala, took sleeping pill.

laugh at this.
http://chud.com/articles/articles/18531/1/WATCH-THIS-NOW-JAPANESE-SPIDER-MAN/Page1.html

Falling

2009-03-13T21:08:00.000-07:00

To the girl in the yellow running on the cross trainer next to me

You were hypnotic and it was hard to keep my eyes off of you as we ended up next to each oher for the rest of my 2 hour work out.

Missed connection.

Oh and my night just ceased to happen. however i made great chickpea cutlets and sundried tomato dipping sauce for franck and i tonight. i'm going to put on philadelphia, tear up a little at tom hanks, and run off to sleep, work, gym.

STrike that..

chez serge tt iiiiis

can't sleep

2009-03-09T00:15:00.000-07:00

so here's a fun trailer

Dinosaurs, Vampires, Snakes, and dirty tricks.

2009-03-08T19:33:00.000-07:00

Last night was a little bit too much for me. I think i realized it was going to be too much when i was cornered by 2 different strangers plowing into my life story while asking my age and clearly doing an absolutely horrible job of flirting with me. Indeed i could not deal with the abrasive voices of strangers sung loudly over the music so the shrill voices simply vibrated my cranium instead of conveying any sense of communication. I don't care how slippery your tongue is, in a bar you all sound like idiots, including me, with the constant yell conversation. I suppose that's what you get for standing against the wall of a bar with a drink in your hand.

However the night turned out swell as i ended up very randomly at a birthday party for people i did not know yet had a connection too. It turned out the apartment was that of a new friend's boyfriend and it made me feel a little less intrusive that way. the party ended up winding down at 7am after the cops came but was complete with an improv photoshoot as well as tons of dancing. i thank max for the heads up and dealing with my idiot phone calls.

It's been a lot of pictures lately, whether it's from the friendattack or nightlife magazine it seems josh is back in the eye of a lens i suppose. maybe it's a good thing? it could be a bad thing too. My blood is bubbling with the warmth and i'm not quite sure what to do about it and the vampire comments are flooding back. It's conceivable that i look somewhat vampiric without the rabies or horrible clothing but it's a little too much at this point. At this point i should look like an emalgamation of Ashton Kutcher, Pete Wentz, and random stereotypical vampire of the week boy. in which case i think i would look severely disabled and would probably never show my face in public again.

Tonight i plan on taking it very easy as i believe i may have a slight cold and plan on reading and watching italian cinema as well as "vicky cristina barcelona," if i can stay awake long enough. I'm proud that my tofu florentine turned out well, it's such a great thing to wake up too however having every single light on the stove blaring red at you is a tad overwhelming and frightening at first. I have never had that much going on in a kitchen at once. It was an hour well spent though.

I suggest everyone listen to Thom Yorke's new solo album. i just can't get enough and the friendly fires. Hypem that shit as usual because there will be no links for today.

Home

2009-03-06T00:04:00.000-08:00

it's 3:04 am and i've just stumbled into my bed relinquishing my need for clothes. today i plan on making seitan cutlets, fake cheese sauce, macaroni and cheese, and possibly more hummus as well as an outting to view "Watchmen" with my father. my treat.

i shall go to bed listening to "the fountain soundtrack"

i can't get these images out of my head.

grocery shopping at 2am

2009-03-05T19:16:00.000-08:00

I would like to stress how insanely awkward one feels walking down ontario street with groceries at 2:30am. no scratch that, jogging down the street for fear of his lips absolutely icing over and falling off. mine are big enough that the freeze over is indeed a constant hazard and a warranted worry. how very worth it to make a delicious tofu scramble in the morning with bbq potatoes and being up early enough to watch Ari get high on shrooms before going to work. Entourage definetly keeps me less depressed and a little bit more elated compared to the reality of today.

Franck and i bought 100 dollars worth of deliciousness yesterday and we've since made home made pita chips and garlic hummus that have all been eaten and now i am thinking about the excitement to be had whilst creating seitan cutlets, cheezey sauce, and tofu florentines this weekend. Another delicious treat will be our cous cous tomato and caper mixture and i hope everything goes well.

watchmen at 3:40 tomorrow tickets bouuught

A-trak is releasing his mix tape at the end of the month and as i'm sure anyone who knows me knows that a-trak and i have a long history of josh taking off his shirt and sweating so very much to any mix of his being played. i've fucked to him, danced to him, fell over to him, and purely made a fool out of myself to him even after being dissapointed by his live sets....

but i don't care, his mixes destroy me even if i barely dance anymore.

i bought 320 dollars worth of clothing today, have decided to grow my hair as long as possible without looking disgusting and wearing it back and am headed out to officiel and possibly saphs.

hmmm, i really want another tattooo.

well now

2009-03-03T12:57:00.000-08:00

I've finished all the cleaning in the house that's to be done today and back onto reading and watching documentaries that just tend to depress me more and more. However, the firehouse has opened twice across the street and for the third time today i am hearing sirens. I believe that living on this corner of Ontario offers a great perspective on life. it's all about crashing into something else.

As i get angrier and angrier with each passing day at the ridiculous ideas of government and mainly it's horrible handling of funds in the United States i don't really know what to do rather than cook and work out because it would appear to me the only thing i have control over is my body and not of financial decisions or even where my money ends up. if i lived in the United States right now i would be fiendishly upset at the bail out and even more upset with what appears to be an overwhelming sense "someone else needs to fix it," mentality.

For The United States of America debt is money and without debt there would be no money. how absolutely paradoxically ridiculous is that. i don't understand the way politicians and economists think and i'm not too sure i want to. i want to live my life away from this repetitive notion and i believe a country with so much power in the world should be questionned by the rest of the world on most decisions. i feel as a citizen of earth i deserve more freedom and i despise the fact that people think their "breakthroughs" are anything but selfish.....

Wow technology... what a fucking breakthrough that is.

Parlor Tricks

2009-03-03T09:42:00.000-08:00

It's finally my day off and that always means its my day to do laundry, clean my room, wipe down the kitchen, and probably sweep the entire place. The music generally varies but today it seems i shall be doing these chores to the wonderful flows of kid koala, the mystery jets, thievery corporation, nightmares on wax, tosca, and whatever else additives i push in throughout the day.

The business with opening a restaurant or cafe has slowed down a bit as our first location has been sold and i haven't had time to speak with my investor simply from an overload of work and the sheer amounts of exhaustion that persist within my body on a daily basis. That's not to say i'm not overwhelmingly healthy, i'm just overworked.

I've finally started cooking once again and what was once a rare event is sure to become a very popular and often occurring trick i'll play. In 2 back to back days i had constructed my very first whole wheat lasagna filled with tofu ricotta, steamed spinach, and sauced up with a caramelized onion marinara sauce i whipped up while franck read Dawkin's "The God Delusion." The day before i made bbq sauce from scratch and substituted collard leaves for swiss chard leaves and fabricated delicious wraps filled with beans and mushrooms with a side of fries. This weekend i suspect i will be making a tofu florentine or greek benedict simply because breakfast is one of the most wonderful meals to ever grace humanity.

I suggest everyone take a gander at the bohemian grove online to be truly creeped out and laugh as well. Nothing like President's and bankers sacrificing effigies of babies every year to really make you laugh at how ridiculous our society is.

Also, i know i don't believe in spiritual forces at work but i do believe in energy as that's all we are so let's use our collective energy to force this cold out of montreal. I can't deal. i'm pondering sepuku or building my own sacrificial alter on the patio out front. For real.

The music today is that i suggest everyone listens to 21 by the mystery jets or anything by the fruit bats.

ps.
Azeda Booth's "In Flesh Tones" is an interesting album as well.

Clean Slate

2009-02-01T20:31:00.000-08:00

I can't even properly describe or express the sincere amount of comfort i have been experiencing recently. i understood that i wanted to wipe away what was left of myself and start anew, fresh, but in the same city and within some of the constraints. i have grown and i'm incredibly grateful for the fortunate living situation i find myself in.

it is not nearly as dysfunctional as my stay at d'hibernia. i have decided to wipe that place from my memory and most of the incidents or faces that go along with that no longer register. i am at my first real place and making a strong effort, even if it seems effortless, to be a wonderful and easy roommate. we cook for each other, share groceries, watch documentaries and then make popcorn. it is a godsend and within these walls i look forward to my lavish bed and angled yet softly lighted bedroom. the bed is made every morning, i fold the light green top sheets on top of a duvet and now an old native american crafted woolent blanket to reveal it's deep purple under belly to match the dark wood that has minimistacally framed my bed. the bed side tables act as an extension to it's frame and hold my music that is almost constantly playing when a documentary isn't being streamed. it's so very exciting to live with someone who shares my eating habits and even spiritual, or lack there of, beliefs. this weekend has been a true recharge to a work load and knowing i have such a wonderful place to come back to makes the after parties and outtings even more enjoyable. the stays at distillerie until befriending the bar staff and enjoying speciality drinks made for us as opposed to just being another face and the satisfaction of speaking to everyone within a room that deserves it and finding interesting niches to pick and prod away.

the new josh just needs to finish is body upgrade and it's over.

Tomorrow

2009-01-24T18:37:00.000-08:00

Is the day everything from ikea is delivered to my new dwelling space as well as my frantic rush to find a mover to move my mattress from NDG to De Loirmier. Everything has been so hectic of late and i'm consistently tired supremely early at night while the cold supresses my urges.

Anyways, who knew that milla jovovich made music. not me!

i'm so so excited to build furniture, place my lamps, and finally have an adult bedroom complete with a sloped back corner chair with large arms for reading. with that said, since i'll be living next to bridge and hopefully trekking to the local gym on an almost daily basis i should be a bit of an extrovert yet again. i'll finally have room to do my own reading, my own writing, and get a grip on this individual i've become.

i'm looking forward to the summer, just so i can get a bike out and enjoy the parks and have lunch in park lafontaine with a bottle of wine and a novel at my side.

i'll probably be having a small housewarming so look forward to that.

Aa long as we get out alive

2009-01-17T15:37:00.000-08:00

I'm becoming elderly. i mean it. My knuckles are sore from that guitar hero phase we all went through and i can barely hold my alcohol. in fact the slightest toxin in my body is often turned into a strange and exciting adventure as it is metabolized and turned into an ill indicator of any part of me.

I'm headed out to drink wine tonight, i haven't been out since last week mainly because i fall asleep early and work hard, or hardly work, during the day but i keep usual hours, not my sadistic days without sleeping before. I've found this responsible side far more fascinating than anything else but it also makes me worry about the turn around our economy is taking. it makes me significantly upset that the Canadian economy relies so heavily on that of our bullying neighbour below who befuddled the whole world up. i wish these arbitrary numbers made sense to me. i lack the knowledge to understand how our economy will be better by 2010 if we continue to lay off thousands of workers who can no longer contribute to a growing and eventually prosperous economy. If someone could explain it to me i'd be more than thankful. I just dont understand how stimulating the economy requires so much money but their still firing people.

I also find it ridiculous that they're building new roadways when these new jobs could be spent building a magrail across the country or better public transport and more workers to plant trees, man recycle and compost trucks, and aid communities to be green as opposed to laying down cement and offering more space to the already disputed air polluters that are our gasoline engines. rehire your workers to build electric cars and sell them. destroy and recycle all the useless vehicles collecting dust and turn them into houses or raw resources. this buy buy buy mentallity is disgusting(and i'm so much a part of it.)

i speak with new individuals everyday who are optimistic about the human race turning around and making proper decisions but i am a pessemist and often reply to their conversations with, "i think we've overstayed are welcome. the earth already shrugs as off occasionally."

they better do something quick...

mp3
i will lay you down by lanters on the lake.
http://www.box.net/shared/mq4fsd0d59

in personal bullshit. i've grown a strange call for closeness. it's vague but something is different.

There is Too Much

2009-01-14T21:31:00.000-08:00

There is too much going on in my life right now. i'm almost always busy or tired from being busy due to work, dinner plans, meetings, lunches, organizing plans, and generally trying my best to be responsible.

This post is going to symbolize some of the ridiculous events in my life simply by using a cartoon that is probably equally ridiculous.

the big news is that i will be living on ontario and de loirmier within the next 10 days if i can just figure out how to move my bed and my friend's van actually fits it. my migraine is killing me, i'll update this again once i have a chance to find new music, movies, and dinner spots very soon.

oh the cartoon is disney, 1943.

sickening

2009-01-02T21:49:00.000-08:00

On my way to dinner at Sala Rossa i stumbled upon a young woman in great distress. her face was crimson with the evidence of assault and her shaking body proved that she needed someone, anyone, to be near her. on a busy street in an affluent neighbourhood one doesn't expect to find a girl around their same age thrown into a vehicle for an iphone. i sat with her till an ambulance came and offered to company for ambulance ride, the hospital, and whatever else she needed as i know how frightening it is to be left alone in those kinds of situations. i spoke to the police, the paramedics, and finally itzel over the phone explaining the tragedy of why i would be late for dinner.

I don't understand how such a thing happens and the majority of people just turn a blind eye or move on ahead. the street is always bust at 8pm, always, anyone could have stopped them or should have helped the girl immediatly. This diffusion of responsibility lead to the death of Kitty Genovese and i thought we had all learned a lesson by now. Following this incident i was approached by a young missionary within the metro to "save my soul," or ask me if i had "heard of Jesus Christ." I try and stay out of religious debates because i know many of my friends find strength in their beliefs where as i.. find strength in my disbelief. Anyways, i listened compassionately to his story and his goals in life and complimented him on his ability to hold so much faith and find so much love that he wants to share it. I Then ended that with, "i, unfortunately for you do not believe."
To which he replied inquisitevely and boundary pushingly so with a, "Why's that?"
"Because of thing i just witnessed and the catastrophes that our televised daily. It's personal... have a great holiday"

The night ended with a delicious bottle of moderately priced vino blanco and an assortment of Tapas beore the night was finished.

New years was a complete and utter mess. in the best of ways. i met so many strangers and yet knew many people at the same time to have a homey feeling at a fairly large party, the next day however lead me to believe i was dying as i had not felt that drained in 2 years. i was incapable of standing, walking, breathing, and eating only complicated matters.

Places to Entertain One's self(Reviews)

2008-12-29T19:39:00.000-08:00

Within this post
Reviews of "THE FALL"
Sala Rossa (for Eats)
Distillerie
Juicy Lotus
Hooka Lounge

Waking up at 6am to only be met with a a rather sharp and embarrassing fall during the slippery madness that was this city was the perfect way to sum up my time since i have not been contributing to this blog.

The word embarrassing is mildly misleading. As if anyone is walking on Oxford besides me. This city might as well be abandoned whenever i head to work. The only other employees are at other cafes and making bagels at St Viateur nearby. The sound of vacuums and loud music sometimes echoes down the street, like bungee chords tethering me to an awakened state. those of us who work early shifts live a very different life than the typical worker of my age. Our partying has to come at a well calculated and manipulated expenditure of energy as opposed to the power of impulse. It's fairly alien, the responsibility i've assumed on myself. my absolute fixation on control, the way my body no longer writhes at all times to move, to touch, to meet, to harpoon and sink ships. my body has become a port, leaning itself out as the definition on all parts of my body is starting to show through sweaters and high collared peacoats. my skin has taken on an almost luminescent quality and my lips no longer dry out with the wind but are growing to darker and darker shades of crimson red as my teeth are getting pearly white once again.

So much has happened, yet so little in the past while. my nights have consisted of randomness beyond random. the coincidences are once again ravaging my calculated brain as the only bar i found on christmas eve happened to have two hasidic jews on television as my jewish friend and i drove up realizing that this is the bar we walked home from 3 years ago and became close because. The night of christmas i found myself in a crowded Korova's sitting quietly on a couch professing my love to a blonde women at one point and at other's chatting up old friends only to leave me sick to my stomach and the quick need to dissappear like i often do.

Comparitively to this time last year i am a shining example of young responsibility and adulthood as opposed to a compulsive need to be out and about every night. The only nights that remind me of last year, as vague as the memories have become, are the sudden bouts of over indulgence on alcohol. the memories sometimes seep into view like a dirty mist, just beyond the sight line are the words and the feelings of vacancy but they evaporate instead of blind, they dissipate instead of coagulate. As itzel and i drank at distillerie i did not watch my intake properly and found myself rather impaired and still drunk upon arriving at work at 7:30am. We also saw "The Day The Earth Stood Still" before smoking 7ieme Ciel at Hooka Lounge on Saint denis bobbing our heads to "TV on the Radio," "Ratatat," and the "Stills" while discussing a variety of topics. i'm suprisingly candid with her, no bullshit, just straight up talk from serious to childish. If anyone hasn't been to Hooka Lounge they should make a point of going. in fact it's wonderfully homey with a fireplace and a variety of different seating arrangments from cute crevices on wooden benches, to side by side couches and day beds next to the fireplace with a place for your tea, your booze, and of course your shisha. the crowd is fairly hip but you won't find obnoxious in your face jocks or rambling giants with their arms in your way. it's darkly lit and well decorated to take you away from the city and into a dark corner of a jungle, or to whimsical realm that is very much needed in this weather.

My love affair with distillerie is still as strong as it's ever been. i've yet to have a bad night there and often go with only a single other friend and manage to spend just the right amount of time before feeling antsy whilst laughing at the sometimes gross you out crowd, or the over the top loudness of some large group that really has no place to be there. the music is always fun to reminice over while ordering a large drink, or even a half size. if you're feeling especially extravagant they even offer beverages in large flute glasses, adorable and classy.

Last night i ventured to au vivre for dinner only to find it closed but managed ot think on my feet while in a large windstorm. the windstorm even managed to rip the door of java u off of it's hinges the other day at the very end of my shift as i laughed at my exhaustion and the ridiculousness of spring temperatures, tornadoe like winds, and a mini cyclone to an already hectically hungover day. But i digress, running across the street i mounted the stairs to the extravagantly theatrical "Sala Rossa" for dinner. AS i have only ever spent the evening engaged to music in their grand concert hall i was in for a pleasant surprise with my fried tofu sandwich as my family ordered traditional spanish dishes. I've fallen in love with the "Godfather." No, not the film but the simply made sipping drink on the rocks. It's half jameson, half amaretto as to knock the sweetness of the amaretto to a tolerable level. My dinner was superb, the music was off kilter and engaging, and the place filled up quickly with others. People sat around playing cards and the high ceilings lead to a large echoe of conversations across the great room. The waiters are extremely engaging and polite with the surface being somewhat slow, but simply because of the length it takes to make some dishes. the company was enjoyable, the vibe was lowkey, and my mind was able to find a little bit of peace.

I also suggest everyone watch "The Fall," because you'll be in for an extremely rich visual treat that only that movie can contain. It is a bewitching fairy tell for adults, full of humour, period pieces, and more importantly strong imagination and great themes . The acting is superb but takes a backseat to the swampingly enticing visuals and inventive techniques used to show off the 4 year filming process across 16 countries.

As for new years, feel free to call me. as of now i have a gazillion plans but plan on ending up at the neon after party by the end of it all. i will also be at a studio party and who knows where else. the good times are killing me.

Finally,
For the last time, if you are into organic, vegetarian, or vegan food please make the effort to stop by Juicy Lotus located on Monkland. It's run by Jesse, the sweetest women in the world and all of the employees are beyond personable. The food is all made ready to go with a great selection of 50% off goodies made the day before and juices, waters, and beverages found rarely anywhere else. She makes ridiculously amazing peanut sauce, putting the famous 2 dollar noodle to shame, as well as an amazing vegan meat loaf. actually everything is amazing. she brings a smile to my face and upon mentioning her to my owner and the offer of employmet at one point he said, "ill kill her, no one takes you."

bahaha

Music
SEcret Rooms by Grand Ronde. It's a full album. Feel free to hypem them. They have a great style similar to the stills or the strokes but great for winter.

Pretty simple..

2008-12-22T18:22:00.000-08:00

I'm going to ignore writing anything meaningful or strong in the post.

I recently viewed "The Diving Bell and The Butterfly," and i think it was not overexposed at all. within the first few minutes it was ridiculously easy to tell that you are indeed viewing something special, unique, and groundbreaking. It is an insane illustration of just what good cinematography and editing can do to saturate the viewer in a film. I was enthralled by the use of comedy, blurring techniques, and even vague views of the protagonist before he is finally revealed. The film leaves you disoriented, hopeful, and even brings laughter out of the deepest depths of your soul even through the bleakest moments. Throughout the movie i found myself wrapped in a large quilt and dealing with a nausea brought to me through the first person perspective and at sometimes felt the characters sheer amount of awkwardness pervade my skin. I recommend everyone watch it.

"A fly lands on my face. I wriggle my head to dislodge it. The fly sticks on tight. Olympic Wrestling has nothing on this."

In the comedy section i strongly recommend everyone should watch Hamlet 2, nowhere as funny as pineapple express but it certainly stands on it's own two feet, if only for some brilliant one liners and great actors.

Music for the night
Jonezetta's New Album.

indie rock at it's finest...

death of the sidekick

2008-12-20T12:36:00.000-08:00

Here it goes,
i have not been this happy in over 2 years. It has taken me a full on year to conquer myself again as opposed to being a side-kick or the proverbial dumb friend who sometimes talks. I was shackled to an idea and then i was shackled to a friend with a persona placed upon me that was by no means me. i was holed up and shelled in pretending i was less than what i am, completely and utterly sacrificing myself, my promise, for a lowdown unenthusiastic side-liner. It was as if i've been sitting on the bench for 2 years at all the best games but never got to run a play, never scored a goal, or carried the ball past the red zone.

It's the holidays and for once it doesn't feel like them in the least. i'm neither depressed, lonely, or even worried (apparently i should be?) about my social interactions with people. i've met a constant influx of people and enjoy the free gifts given to me through pedestrians and people seeing me at my best. every day i lose a little more weight, a little more of the pathetic excuse for a human i was, and i lose more shackles and chains. my skin is becoming more clear and my stride has become stronger with eyes like daggers and words tumbling out as kisses and embraces are welcomed.

sometimes i write about how we should all look back at the giant rivers of our lives, of the way every different person that lives inside of us is a stream that flows into a tributary and mixes to form the sediment of who we are today. instead, at this point of time in the year, i say we should look forward. WE should look past the current economic crisis, the global recession, and the unsure political footing of our neighbours. we should look at what we most want for ourselves because being selfish is the only way most of us live these days but i believe we should try and do more for those less fortunate or even give a smile or a polite compliment to a stranger.

i am not by any means becoming more human. in fact my emotions are shedding constantly and i'm left with nothing but an utter weightlessness. i am left to float as a cloud to whatever takes me and along the jetstream of life with the hollowness inside of me that people find the need to talk to because it's so easy to throw your words into a hole as opposed to a wall. my outside is warm but my innerdepths are frosty like the weather and refined. i only desire art and film. i desire literature and poetry and i had denied my need for so long to fit into their social strata. i was so much more before all of us this, and i am becoming so much more once again.

these last few days have been utterly insane and i am so incredibly elated by the sanctuary that is myself. the walls that make up my life are so very clear and i have stopped being mousy and sacrificing bits and pieces of myself because i am supposed to be funny, or easy to deal with, or the butt of a joke.

happy holidays... i confused all the jewish people at my work. they all decided i was catholic, or christian, but i smiled and said "hornstein" and their look of disbelief was almost tragic. Then i said, "but in actuality i'm an atheist, i don't live for heaven." It's true. i also don't want to die peacefully in a bed, too tired to stand up and needing the aid of a walker when i look back at my exploits. instead i wish to die through a vicarious act, a daredevilish stunt, or fighting for something....

"The only disease you ever had was cholera"
"No mama, you confuse cholera for love."

Song,
none
ill post one later.

Can't Deal(Opinionated)

2008-12-16T15:27:00.000-08:00

I am growing so ridiculously tired of older people trying on some level to communicate with me. It is somewhat appalling when a 58 year old tells me he is nothing but a grown up teenager while telling me the follies of my facial piercing. In fact, relating it to growing your hair long during your generation just takes away from what my nose piercing really means to me. Any sort of body modification that's visible or left hidden on my body serves more of a purpose than to differentiate myself from mass society or for style. As lame as it is, i only change my body to signify deep meaning or emotional growth or stability.

I am also fairly confused as to why random people wish to tell me their life problems, their sex lives, and then ask me advice. Simply put, i'm 21 and you should have more of an idea than a coffee shop employee about life. My sly grin may seem welcoming but underneath i'm buffeted with constant, "why? Why? why?" I wish i could just play dead sometimes and that subtlety wasn't lost in conversations.

Locking the door at work at 8 o clock being fed up with a rather homicidal door slamming open with the torrential wind lead to a funny excursion of energy as i had to lock and unlock the door for every client. that and dealing with a bell technician to fix a broken phone line when i have absolutely no idea what is going on makes my life comical. what was not comical in the least was the 2 absolutely stunning women who i chatted up for the majority of my shift and they once again made me want to go back to school for ALL the wrong reasons.

I met 2 people that beat lung cancer after smoking for 30 years and they showed me their surgical scars. don't get me wrong, i'm happy for your family and friends that you are healthy but i don't see how in any regards i'm supposed to take that. other than saying, "wow congratulations," like some push button response. my father says i've trapped myself in a role where i can't ever care about people anymore because it's what i believe is expected to me. i do my best to be nice, fun, compassionate but caring is a rather off-putting word to me. i've shed that skin.

In News,
George bush has amazing reflexes to dodge 2 shoes while in the middle of a speech without even thinking. he should have been an athlete, not the leader of the free world. the poor buffoon, i'm sure he laughed it off later but really, having shoes thrown at you during a press conferance is absolutely ridiculous. it's like a pie in the face. only worse because the journalist is now out a pair of leather shoes. How horrible for him, and not very forward thinking.

I don't know if any of you have seen the new Maple Leaf Foods ads about their renewed commitment to quality control and now it's their commitment. I don't understand why they didn't have all of these safeguards before. It seems redundant to cheer about the utmost safety and care your company is putting into their products after the listerosis event as opposed to making sure it didn't happen before. Hell, it's one more reason not to eat meat or any animal products in my opinion. then again, ecoli tomatoes and black widow spiders in grapes make eating any food a dangerous investment. With that said, i am terrified of what GMOs may do to us in the future. i'm trying my best to eat organic food but it's not possible for me to do it all the time.

Song for the night
Bjork -It's in our Hands(RMX)
http://blog.7yearglitch.com/audio/IT%27S%20IN%20OUR%20HANDS%20(SOFT%20PINK%20TRUTH%20MIX).mp3

OH,
and for some reason i really want to go to a nu ravers or peer pressure event again....
it might have been the apartment party that sparked my interest again... damn you nick...

Crazy People

2008-12-14T19:16:00.000-08:00

Oddly enough, those people i always walked around are now understood by me. Once at "Juicy Lotus" today to get some delicious eats, the store owner gave me free containers of tofu and salad followed by a whole lot of bread. The bread was not for me. Strangely (compassionately) enough, it was for the pigeons and the squirrels who are starving in this weather. I always complained loudly about the rats with wings that pigeons represent to me, but then again i don't really mind rats or mice either and don't understand the whole "hooha" except for the fecal matter they leave behind.

So i honoured her request and found myself standing in a small park throwing bread at starving pigeons listening to loud techno and slightly dancing off of the crowded strip. I earned strange glares from passerbys but found it somewhat satisfying to give the poor creatures some form of sustenance, even if they are nothing but disease ridden shit machines.

This morning was also a lovely walk through puffy snow without many people on the street on a lazy sunday. I was offered advice on how to fix my large ceiling problem from people who really have no idea what they are talking about but was followed kindly by a discussion about women ad calling back. My answer was to simply play aloof and drop it if she hasn't replied. Therefore they are simply not worth the added time if they don't call back. In fact, you should thank them because they are not furthuring the waste of time they could pose. His reply, flattering enough, was that, "Look Josh, I don't have the big baby eyes and teenage girls throwing themselves at me on a daily basis. I get envious watching you work, if i had it at your age..." I know i'm overly flirtatious but i'm not too sure about the "throwing themselves" comment nor have i ever been told i have baby eyes, more like a baby face, even with my terrorist beard going on.

There was more but i'm partially braindead from exhaustion. At least Sean Avery has been kicked off of the Dallas Stars for referring to Elisha Cuthbert as "Sloppy Seconds." Really now, she's way past seconds.

Lastly apparently we're only in the first 3rd of the economic recession, it's going to get worse my friends and i hope we're all prepared. I need a career path asap so i can start making money and have my loft, huskey, fine wine, and good music with a view. it's all i need.

Song For the Night
The Birds and the Bees- My Love
http://boxstr.com/files/4353619_8buim/02%20My%20Love.mp3

so good so so soooo goood.

Bonus
Little Joy-the next time around

http://earitnow.com/uploads/mp3s/littlejoy/01-little_joy-the_next_time_around.mp3

sleep well, catch me at bluedog possibly(but not fairly likely) tonight.

OMG
Lily allen and her bum bum
http://www.babble.com/CS/blogs/famecrawler/archive/2008/01/02/lily-allen-shares-too-much-information-about-her-sex-life.aspx

Something's different (Plumbing Problems Forever)

2008-12-13T21:41:00.000-08:00

The holiday season does not by any means feel like any other holiday season that i have ever walked through. it could be the constant news of the global recession or my fairly new atheistic belief system. It might be the fact that for once in a fairly long time i am free of bonds and no longer considered an accessory or sidekick but have once again, after many years, asserted myself as my own strong willed individual. I may be a bit of a Goff these days with an overly confident attitude but none the less it leads to more grins and constant jokes around the town.

As selfish as i may seem i often deal out good will and nights out simply because i enjoy watching someone have fun. The fun another person can have isn't tempered by my lackluster side. the part of me that is completely and utterly dissociated from humanity, emotional empathy, and points even destructive and vindictive. Therefore i can watch as someone enjoys their time with my inner monster locked tight in his cage without risking the chance for it to make a leaping dash for the door as i could open it a bit with temptation.

Inside of me there are two unique individuals. Their flooding of my veins can change my gestures, my temperament, and even the way my stride is played out. I have become increasingly more aware over the last 3 years that if i do not keep the reigns on one that personality tends to get the best of me and override any sense or understanding i have as it fights to protect me, and only me. it is my monster that craves the conflict, destruction, and the revealing of the fragility of mental states and physical mass. In that regard, i feel that people should understand by now that these distinct personalities are for the most part friendly unless united whole heartedly in a cause. AS one personality slips over another it often feels like the first hit of a drug, the first influx of love, the second kiss and the first glance of a naked lover. It's exciting to let go but i need to maintain the kinder personality for the sake of evolving and playing nice in the proverbial sandpit that is life.

In real life, my plumbing problems have once again returned with a vengence. For those of you that have known me for a long time, a while back i awoke to a jetstream of hot water firing from the sink and down through 3 stories of a house in westmount. at the time i heard it, i believed others in the house were taking an extra large shower and cuddled comfortably in a large bed refusing to acknowledge the problem until a later time.

Later that year i awoke on the couch, drunk from a bottle of vodka and a broken heart, to yet another house flooded by a finicky toilet and a yelling landlord. This year i show up at JAva-U under Reno. I'm talking we need Holmes on Homes on this shit. My first trepadatious step upon viewing a man pulling down the ceiling was into plaster and water gushing from the ceiling. It hasn't stopped gushing, in fact we set up a barricade and made an ice slick from a full garbage can of water. right now, at this very moment, it is probably overflowing another garbage can so i can go swimming in java-u when i open tomorrow. Ironically, yesterday i pretended that i was in a canoe and canoed around java u with a tiki stick claiming i had just returned from safari while singing along to the greatest hits of the 90s.

I can not wait for the mess i will be welcomed with in the morning.

I have also taken my leave from partying, constantly, for nights of sleep in these cold of days. last night i texted people while watching scary movies and tonight, i apparently look a lot like shaggy from scooby doo because of my hair do and green v. I also just had a conversation about being an atheist with the pizza shop owner. i am fairly tired from lunesta.

Song for night.
NIN-Echoplex

http://www.culturebully.com/the-hub-tuesday-november-25-2008- scroll down for direct link

funny because im listening to iron and wine...

oh welll.

ps
i had a dream that we were married in field with rings i had surged the globe for, just so i could say i had found love, conquered love, but then i felt the need to destroy it. the ring couldn't come off and soon felt heavy and worn, cutting off circulation and turning my finger shades of blue and purple. i yelled as my eyes fixated solely on the golden band that meant promises forever and i kissed her back but i felt a connection no longer. split second rage, i ran to the sea with an old swiss army knife and a bottle of alcohol. i splayed my finger from my hand, ring and all, before relinquishing this anchor into the sea.

marriage i am warry of.

i can not be owned.... and i will not be your "and"

So sorry,

2008-12-11T18:12:00.000-08:00

I do not understand how Bangkok Express found it impossible to concoct a vegan version of their pad thai. The only reason i could give is that it's possibly egg noodles, but i know beyond any semblance of doubt that they utilize rice noodles. I am left with only one solution, they are lazy.

After being fairly inebriated at tokyo bar last night, i woke up with my old pad thai urge to ease away the malicious throb in my noggin. I was disappointed by their inability to appease my desires and headed to work to pick up my check and then back to the organic grocery store to get a couple of bottles of non-alcoholic wine, whole wheat linguini, and a jar of tomato basil pasta sauce to mix with my veggie ground meat for a fairly simple yet satisfying dinner along with some honey garlic tofu. The proverbial "Bee's Knees" was my once a year indulgence in ice cream. the culprit, the fattener, was a delicious mint chocolate flavoured vegan ice cream. such bliss.

It's oddly comforting being known on my street by so many people and passerbys who wave as i chug along the slippery sidewalk with bags full of groceries and a head full of wonder. Being met with friendly gazes, warm eyes, and certain gestures definetly brings a sense of calm to my life.

happy slippery days everyone, i know my hangouts of late have been fun and my talks with random strangers have been more appetizing recently. i want to take it all in and spit it out. i'm getting so very detached from feelings, from feeling anything for longer than a brief instance in time. there is no pull and my dreams are becoming more opaque than colourful. i know the few interpersonal strong bonds i have are drawn over long distances and different events and the subtle ease at which it would be to pluck them even more so, one by one, so each string rings out and exits my life.

freedom is what i longed for, freedom is what i have.

song for the night...
gregory and the hawk - grey weather (no link)

oh.
ps.
one out of every four people have an undiagnosed psychotic disorder and sometimes we just think they are personality quirks. gravely mistaken.

Snowy Weather.

2008-12-09T15:32:00.000-08:00

The newspaper was somewhat uninteresting today and waking up to get to work by 6:30am was a bigger struggle than usual. Thankfully my ipod accompanied me as i jogged in the snow before the sun was up to get to work before being somewhat disorganized with my opening shift, bothered by landlords, milk delivery men, and my extreme fatigue left me with a rather warm spot inside that enjoyed watching people slip and slide their way into the store to find some sort of refuge from the ongoing snow storm outside. The clients were much more enjoyable today but i lethargically kept a slow and even pace while taking orders simply because i was day dreaming about possibilities and minor satisfactions or indulgences.

The oddest feeling of the day was slight tempering of the waters around my emotional core, but i assume it was simply from the snow and the secluded feeling that permeated the store s the ceiling dripped and i joked around with those who also found themselves half frozen and dying for warmth. the snowtorm is so incredibly pretty, if somewhat foreboding, and brings to mind certain movies like "Serendipity" or other cornball romances. i like the untouched snow and the distance from other people whilst trudging through the snow with brow down as everybody tries to keep it out of their eyes. we're much more cut-off in winter but excitingly places of warmth find a new cozy feeling.

All i want to do is curl up on the couch with merlot wrapped ina quilt with good music on the speakers and my own heartbeat slowly thumping along to guitar and violin chords. Neil Hamstead is killing me right now, his new album is absolutely stunning and leaves me swooning left and right like a small pine caught in a windstorm. It's so weird how music is the one thing that can make me feel "love" anymore. the slight tingle in my spine and the upward point of my chin. i love dancing or singing along behind the cash while making lattes. doing the twist to 50s music or just swaying to low-fi acoustic sets. music, i find, is the last thing i can feel intimate with and love towards.

Yet again, i apparently give the most amazing hugs affectionately overwhelming and comforting but i don't know why. i'm getting so very bony again so it can't be mass, i'm simply assuming it's the warmth that wants to come out.

In the weird and strange, a man was caught with over 1000 stolen packages and letters in his house, most unopened, he just horded them. what a dick! Numerologists are also saying that Obama won't be around to run for a second term and that i's absolutely horrible.

Anyways, music for the day
ALL OF NEIL HAMSTEADS NEW ALBUM IF YOU CAN GET IT

Faunts-Feel. Love. Thinking. Of.

http://friendlyfirerecordings.com/mp3/01_Feel.Love.Thinking.Of.mp3

On to other matters(Good news)

2008-12-08T19:39:00.000-08:00

I am completely physically and emotionally wrecked. My body can't even prop itself for longer than 30 minutes after the heavy duty amounts of work i've been doing. The exam season has certainly gave J-U ridiculous amounts of fluttering bird like students frantically rattling papers and typing on their laptops for last minute papers and exam crams. The scholarly challenge has proved to crack some of the clients as they have begun to ask me if caffeine is good to study with. The answer is no, simply no. You're just speed reading as opposed to absorbing but then i wouldn't make ANY money now would i.

Upon waking up this morning i immediatly mumbled a rather vulgar italian swear and began to shiver at the lowered temperatures and frosty floor. Stretching my back out, i lurched awkwardly to the bathroom before adorning my hoody, long jacket, toque, and a pair of grey pin striped slacks. Slacks are far more comfortable than skinny jeans and indeed make moving around a ton easier. Freedom is the word i am looking for. The oddest thing was that my arm was covered in my blood, but i figure my eye scab just fell off, at least i hope.

We're back to being understaffed at Java-U which means less time for my morning indulgence(reading the paper) and more running around ignoring the more pretentious clients while making jokes and flirtations with the more friendly and appealing clients. Today was particularly bad as i found myself exhausted from the lack of any sleep thanks to a rather hectic week spent taking care of a friend while losing others and healing my face. Every single day i see and make conversation with students i find myself longing to be back in there, moving towards something with a purpose and commitment stronger than i could have carried without this work expierence.

Taking time off is a very smart idea.

Yesterday's snowstorm left a sour taste in my mouth but spending an hour at Ben and Jerry's with lovely faced starbucks employee made the day somewhat better and today's large thank you to a long shift was a customer bringing me a glass of rich red wine simply because i "looked like i needed it" and the bank tellers being especially nice to me on the fact that my eye is finally looking normal again. My coworker also bought me delicious snacks from the organic grocery store upon seeing how absolutely tuckered and worn out i was. today was back to being lovely, no hateful words, or vindictive ill will.

Finally, Al, a regular at J-U told me his million dollar idea and i think it could very well work out and i love having even-handed yet opinionated discussions with him about human behaviour and societies state. Today a new client spent 10 minutes discussing stocks with me and i hope he becomes a regular too because his conspiracy theories are absolutely magnificient.

I hope everyone exercised that right to vote today. i did it on my way to Natasha's to get my lovley AKGs and ever important ipod back and am fairly excited for good eats wednesday followed by good eats next week with yet another amazing person. Thursday's coffee meet should go particularly well,

I hope everyone is having a great beginning of their week. i think everyone needs good wishes and welcoming thoughts. we tend to be so very selfish and introverted during the holiday season due to the increased melatonin levels within our brains. if only we all had those vitamin d lamps.

Oh, and my older women came in yet again today to look absolutely stunning and have me fall slightly all over myself at work whilst speaking to her and her mother. her eyes are like ice fire and her style is more sophisticated than most. i may have a tad bit of drool on the side of my mouth but she certainly keeps me entertained.

Fujasaki- Poets Dying
http://stytzer.blogspot.com/2007/01/nothing-but-music-endless-post.html

it can be found to download by an alphabatized list...

Also
Golden Animals- Try on me
http://www.toolshed-media.com/ts/golden-animals-try-on-me.mp3

HOW TO SOLVE POTENTIAL PROBLEMS(AND GROW AS A PERSON?)

2008-12-06T17:03:00.000-08:00

Step 1.
BE HONEST AND UP FRONT

STEP 2.
THERE IS NONE BECAUSE GENERALLY THE PROBLEM CEASES TO EXIST ONCE IT IS BROUGHT UP HONESTLY AND RESPECTFULLY.

THE END.

being perceptive and up front sometimes has horrifying consequences but i vowed to myself to never be deceive, screwed around with, or blatantly played for dumb. most problems could simply be solved by up front honesty. I don't ever get angry at situations if they're played properly,

anyways back to cooking delicious vegan food and dancing to 1930s-50s music. Work today had me singing along to 60s so i figure i'm working through my decades.

OH
sound is
Ladytron- Destroy Everything.
look for it yourself i'm lazy tonight, i work too much and had absolutely no desire to be dealing with drama after having my face beat in.

p.s.
Some people need to stop acting morally superiour and suffice to say you only judge people that horribly because you see part of yourself in those acts. We can always understand actions we are capable of doing and would rather push it away and say how horrific it is than to admit that they, themselves, are capable of such actions, if not more capable. more importantly, it's about respect and growing and few people seem capable of doing that even though they wear bigger shoes, or dress as if they are part of adult world without high school debauchery and anonymous tomfoolery or trickery. If people understood boundaries as opposed to jumped over them an individual could possibly maintain longer more fulfilling friendships and relationships as opposed to acting out the motions and reading dialogue from a preconceived script. i may not be so in charge of my feelings or actions but i am certainly become increasingly more distant to the state of affairs within a certain social tier. you don't see this happening in the lives of people who are furthuring themselves through education and even to some extent work and independant education.

there are more important things than the moment and their are consequences to acting how you feel. wre only live once, but it would make sense to make life a tad easier by understanding repercussions.

P.p.s

i WANT OT BE BACK IN SCHOOL OR RICH. IM DYING IN STUPIDITY.

ADDENDUM REDONE RETHOugHT

2008-12-03T12:51:00.000-08:00

"You'll be the rhythm and I'll be the beat
You'll be the rhythm and I'll be the beat
Then I'll be the rhythm and you'll be the beat
And love, the shoreline, where you and I meet

Love is the harmony
Desire is the key
Love is a symphony
Come sing some with me."
Lykke Li- Melodies and Desires.


"never even scratched the surface
though you're picking through my bones
though the names and dates are altered
the story's still my own
the performance of a lifetime
my only starring role


in a cast of many thousands
no one's essential to the plot
every extra, every superstar
must now vacate the lot
in the performance of a lifetime
i make the final cut"

Charlotte Gainsbourg= JAMAIS

two songs that go exactly with my mood as of writing the last post.
i reclaimed my rhythm and my libido
Shameful to the point of which i've let toxicity permeate my skin
Disgusted at which occupies my veins
Intensified by a Vague Dissociative Mentallity
It's what i'm waiting for that counts
It's what i'm facilitating that matters.

I may have made rather repugnant comments behind some backs but i wouldn't say anything without expecting it to be heard by those involved. It's montreal, people don't have quiet mouths, and i have the least when it comes to the opinions or my own personal secrets. I however never do something intentionally to bother a friend or disregard their respect. I may have COMMITTED Some pretty horrible actions involving the deception of someone i don't know or care for. i do these actions to prove points or because it's not AFFECTING someone i care about. i keep that part locked up tight, even when every ounce of my being, my lips, and my fingertips crave to do the act with someone i shouldn't. i bleed passion when it comes to that of adulterous situations but ive always managed to never do it to friend, i just didn't have the heart to intentionally fuck with someone and not have the testerone to say it, or the confidence.

i have no problems with honesty, i have huge problems with happenings under my nose.

Being Played for Stupid

2008-12-03T11:26:00.000-08:00

Playing me for ignorant, unaware, or unobservant is actually the most toxic action that can be done. I find it obscenely offensive and particularly disgusting. I have more cunning than i put on and most of the time i tend to act like a rather ignorant fool simply because i avoid conflict, confrontation, and mundane annoyances. This can no longer go on though. I've spent a lot of my life dealing with situations rather lightly and even scoffing at some of the more hurtful things that have been done or said to me. Any time i've been harassed verbally being called, "FAGGOT, FAIRY, COCKLOVER" or other such obscenities i've grinned passively and walked on by or continued the conversation with friends who are themselves saying how much of a "homo" i am. Recently i've been pretty tenacious with words and have been stepping up or simply arguing back. it builds and builds and occasioinally my walls overflow and the dark side of me takes over. That shadow of me is a completely different person, my antithesis, and sometimes i start to believe that it's possibly me more than the person i'm putting out.

The social, idiotic, demented joshua is just a body double for the thing i've walled up and caged in my inner most sanctums. it rattles the cage, plays games, and tenaciously roars out and looks out through my eyes. My brow furrows and my smirk is no longer goofy but intended to bear fangs and throw fists or verbal assaults on the spirit or body. People say deep down i'm still supremely loving and i am often told i am increasingly nice, if a bit schizophrenic, but under that is this thing and it's been fed without time for exercise. This week has been rather taxing as it's been getting darker earlier and earlier and my melatonin levels of course are on the fritz causing my mood disorder to certainly become more apparent. Maybe it's not my mood disorder though, maybe it's me just standing up for myself, for my intellect, for my morals.

I yelled something to the extent that after it was released i couldn't believe i said it. "SHE IS NOT A PIECE OF MEAT YOU CANT JUST SAY MAYBE THIS OR MAYBE HER. IT'S NOT FAIR AND ITS DISRESPECTFUL. HOW FUCKING DARE YOU!" and i immediatly was shocked that I, supreme masognist that i am, came out with that. Curiously, why in all of heavens would i care what someone does with someone else. I've been feeling less and less human of late, like their some things running meagerly around in some sort of simulation of life. It's almost debillitating, and each person i sleep with takes another piece of my humanity and leaves me more and more dissassociated from the individuals i'm surrounded by.

More importantly, fuck people for thinking i'm oblivious to my surroundings and social interactions. i read people like an open book, i can tell by facial contortions and muscle contractions just how what i'm doing affects you and i'll judge it and make the most of it to deduce a conclusion. People should step up and have the balls, or the respect to say things to me as opposed to trapsing around behind my back. Hell, when you're friend is bleeding would you really go home to try and fuck someone.

What the fuck?

In other news, if harper dissolves Parliament we should protest and the New York times is ridiculously good. i may not be in school but i certainly keep myself educated. it's a lot better than dealing with people. They don't know me, no one ever will. I see what's not being shown and i only show what i want to. No one will ever get in there to be with me because i only show shades of grey and i'm tired of people being so pretentious as to believe they EVEN KNOW where i'm coming from. it would make me sick.

if i thought any of it was worth it.

SONG FOR THE DAY
LILY ALLEN-FUCK YOUhttp://www.yousendit.com/transfer.php?action=batch_download&batch_id=TTZtWmdnUzhFc0ozZUE9PQ

STREET FIGHTER

2008-11-30T20:05:00.000-08:00

Last night was pretty intense. It began with a lovely dinner with a side of tonic at au vivre followed by a disappointing walk along saint laurent where every bar was closed, had a weird vibe, or simply would not yet my younger friend in. We then stumbled into a fairly large line between a group of ugly, horrific speaking college kids who were obscenely loud and obnoxious and clearly had no idea that DISTILLERIE IS TOO SMALL FOR a group the size of a small South American Country. 2 seemed to be the perfect number as we managed to skip the line at au vivre and ended up making it into distillerie finding 2 bar seats and then orderin 2 drinks before taking pictures and enjoying our rather ginormous and delicious decadently destructive poweredout mojitoes. As the mojitoes began to take effect our heads were left bopping to music and our bodies felt keyed on by the sheer deliciousness of the booze. WE opted to try a second drink, this time an epically porportioned electric lemonade with far too much alcohol but just the right amount for 2 people to freshen up their infinite daze.

MY night was a lovefest, right up until leaving saphir where i made out, hugged, and gave many praises to many of my friends because i am kind hearted and warm souled once alcohol eats away at my icy exteriour amd infinitely Soviet World like walled off heart. However things would soon go sour as an individual persisted in following us mouthing off once our bar was left in our wake. Admittedly i talk back when i necessarily shouldn't and ended up bitch slapping an individual before getting hit and punching back multiple times before being tackled by another stranger. The next thing i knew their were fists from everywhere and i didn't know whether or not my punches were finding their targets or had just misfired and made me look like some insane rave tectonic dancer in the street. As the hits got harder i began kicking those who fell in the side and back to try and keep them down before accidentally kicking my friend in the ribs who had tackled yet another attacker. Simply i remember being pulled out by Jessica and told not to go back because i had been hurt. Apparently i had been bleeding a lot from my face but i appealed by saying "ALEX CANT FIGHT MY FIGHTS FOR ME!" and tried to get back before asking jess if i "looked sexy?"

i then proceeded to second cup wherei made friends with randoms in the washroom while washing my face before being cabbed home and then taken to the hospital where i waited 20 minutes and high fived doctors. This morning i was allowed to come in later for my shift once my coworkers saw the extent of my injuries and then the clients were angelic towards me with one to go as far to bring me homeopathic medicine. i then was told my a large group of customers that i was the nicest person in the world and thanked repeatedly for being helpful as i grunted at them from an over swollen lip and completely bashed in eye. alas tonight i shall do nothing upon nothing and sleep as late as i want tomorrow before work to rest my face.

SONG FOR THE NIGHT
REDMAN- LAY YOU OUT STREET FIGHTER 2 REMIX!!!!
http://eastofla.podbus.com/mp3/LayYouOut.mp3

MOTHEREFFING GET UP STAND UP BRRRRRRT BRRRRT BRRRT HADOKEN HADOKEN

A MESSAGE TO THE MISSING

2008-11-29T13:26:00.000-08:00

I don't know how many people are aware that there was an insane 3 day long firefight in Mumbai between Commandos and Islamic Terrorists. The terrorists eventually took hold of the Taj Mahal Hotel where a few hostages barricaded themselves in a restaurant as the attackers threw grenades and fired bullets at their barricade. These hostages(captives since they would have been outright slaughtered without mercy regardless of nationality or age) eventually staged their own assault by picking up meatcleavers and knives and fighting there way outside of the hotel into the war torn streets outside. Many people were murdered and the terrorists played a dangerous game of cat and mouse throughout the hotel with one such terrorist. They were very well trained and managed to prolong their fight for 3 days. How horrifying.

In other wordly news, the Pope recently thanked Muslims for bringing God into the public forum and was happy that they had increased the discussion about God througout the world.

The last piece of news for the day deals with the Somalian pirates who are taking Oil and Chemical Tankers hostage. Humourously enough a security detail on one such tanker had to leap off of their ship because they could no longer fight off the pirates. they left the rest of the crew there and were then nearly crushed by their own boat when the pirates decided to RAM THEM WITH THE TANKER!!!!

HORRIBLE, where's John Mcclain when you need him.

With that said, last nights loftparty made me miss all the loft parties from 2 years ago and i ended up pretty wasted by the time a fire alarm was pulled. I need more sweaty dancing nights, if only i wasn't so lazy. Work was also a dance party today and i'm very very jittery. I need to do this again

I'm off to AU VIVRE to have some succulent fake meat and i leave with this song left behind me. ENJOY YOUR WEEKEND AND DANCE DANCE DANCE.

Ben Folds- You don't Know Me
http://www.fileden.com/files/2006/11/21/402708/ben_folds-you_dont_know_me_(feat_regina_spektor).mp3

Bonnie and Clyde

2008-11-27T16:31:00.000-08:00

ONE MORE SONG FOR THE DAY AND POST..

Who wants to go on a crime spree romance with me? That's pretty much all i feel like doing in this weather anyways

Bonnie and Clyde

http://www.fillessourires.com/ecoutez/bonnie.mp3

Let's Play Catch

2008-11-27T16:05:00.000-08:00

So this is fairly short and pointed. It's snowing quite magnificently today(ugh) and my AKGs are back on my head. My crush came in to say hi last night after dissipating into nothingness for 2 weeks and that left me rather hyper for the night. Tomorrow's plans are LULU LEMON SWEATPANTS and a gym membership, today was completely cracked out at work and i don't think i've laughed so hard in a long time. My coworkers are absolutely loopy, but so am i.

So here's a rather mellow song but cutesy and such. For those of you who are looking for someone, as long as you fit together in bed, like 2 spoons cupped around eachother, without the impatient breathing and awkward arm placements then you should do your best to hold on. IF that person is me, just let go. I'd much rather read a novel! I need suggestions PLEASE, someone help me out here with books. You can throw one at me. Also everyone check out the new Diplo ft Jhi Ali
GET THE NEW ALBUM HERE pay what you want
http://maddecent.com/paperroute/
Grrr.
Jets Overhead- It's a funny thing
http://aolradio.podcast.aol.com/aolmusic/mp3s/JetsOverhead_ItsAFunnyThing.mp3

Gotye- Thanks for your time
http://www.carlsandburgvisits.com/Music/November%202008/05%20Thanks%20For%20Your%20Time.mp3

CHARLOTTE GAINSBOURG- OPERATION REMIX
http://www.fillessourires.com/ecoutez/The%20Operation%20(25%20Hours%20A%20Day%20Remix).mp3

Hi, Your English is Showing

2008-11-26T19:51:00.000-08:00

Now respectfully i do my best to speak french at work and generally pull it off very well, especially in the wee hours of the morning when the majority of clients are french and i'm by my lonesome. With that said, no doubt my english accent shines through and when i'm with friends i just refuse to speak french simply because i am too shy about it. However, some people are so blatantly anti-french canadien or anti any other language than english that it's absolutely disgusting. It's almost like xenophobia and i'm not talking about tourists. It maddens me because i often say out loud, "I wish i was born a french canadien," and i think people should respect the language as equally as english. Maybe not in scholarly pursuits but at least the social aspect of it.

Since that rant is over i would also like to scream at people that "Boccacino's" is a restaurant and there is no such sandwich called the "Boccacino Betty." The sign says Boccacini Betty and as far as i know no one really wants a chain restaurant between two slices of bread to munch on. If you order a "Boccacino Betty" and a tea i will specifically deficate on your face in my head. This is because i have no idea what kind of tea you are ordering if you simply say, "TEA." If you follow up tea with, "A regular tea," i often want to jump across the counter and lay one on when clients look at me like i'm stupid for asking what flavour they want. THERE IS NOT JUST ONE KIND OF TEA, THERE IS BLACK TEA, GREEN TEA, PERFUMED TEA, and HERBAL TEA, i do not know what a regular tea is for you.

With all of that typed out i would also like to write that i have never in my life been called a whore or skank so many times within a ten day period. I don't even know what i did to earn this kind of obuse from strangers and coworkers but apparently i reak of slut. Good God, even when i dress well and carry myself appropiatly people still view me as a whore. I don't get it.

Lastly, it's time for me to get another tattoo. I'm craving one like a crackfiend craves money to buy crack, so much that they will perform sexual acts for the means to afford their habit. This is very true and i'll slut myself out for the chance at a freebie ink session. I'm also somewhat taken by 2 clients at work. Both insanely gorgeous and both with epically stellar monumentally amazing smiles and eyes.

Now back to playing some Mirror's Edge.
Song for the Night
I hate December-Ivy
http://girljukebox.typepad.com/sugartown/files/03_i_hate_december.mp3

SONG FOR THE NIGHT.

Catchy C Chatterbox

2008-11-23T21:09:00.000-08:00

My sleeping pill is floating within my veins now and has significantly decreased any sort of function going on within my cranium. the neurons are firing sporadically, even drunkenly, and last nights misadventure can paint a better view of where im headed but i just don't know how to get there. it's the bright lights from the sky with the storefronts and flashy shoes with the cheap come-ons and bring me homes that single my slope is down though. I'm not that much of a slut or a whore. i just have my moments and they are always passing. i can't be so vicious all the time and i pride myself on my mixed up sense of morals.

My mouth also spits out things i can't quite keep in and in the most improper situations. Pretending i'm Optimus Prime with the reverb from the salad bar at work is definetly one of those moments and my hands are reaching out when before i was happy with them in my pockets or hella anywhere but on someone unless i thought of a certain return. The glance that was shot my way by customers was fairly worth it and the hugs i've recieved for saying things i can't quite remember make me happy(as well as alert me to my mouth needing to be kept close). More importantly, it may not be completely appropriate to tell customers that the green tea may save their prostate in the future or better yet make loud squeely guitar noises running around work. Also maybe i should keep my secrets as opposed to having none. Bygolly my mouth has gotten me into trouble, completely unintentionally for the most part. t here's those times where im just rude and revealing to make scenes though.

My brain speaks, "it's time to calm down joshua. You're getting old and it's time to settle down"
MY heart speaks, "Don't settle down Josh, searching for that something in the conquests just made you realize there's nothing to search for. It's a void and accept it!" SILLY SILLY ORGANS DON'T HAVE VOICES

Chatterbox i am. To work in 5 hours, i hope everyone is staying warm.
NEW KANYE FOR THE NIGHT
STreetlights
http://www.blackdynamite.com/trailer

Snow, Shit, and Special Someone all start with "s"

2008-11-21T22:27:00.000-08:00

Today was an absolutely fantastic day, that is until white death started raining down upon the ground. It wouldn't be so absolutely invasive had it not started to ACCUMULATE. I can't believe snow thinks it has the right to do that, but hey at least i wasn't trapped ina car for 8 hours on a snowy highway. Can we label snow an "International Terrorist" now. I think it does some pretty terrible things.

To make matters worse, after a great day buying and eating organic i found myself walking home from work with a bit of a twitter in my ear. No, no, not the pleasant ring-a-ding-ding of music but that of something rattling around within my 230 dollar pair of headphones. That's right folks, something is internally wrong with my headphones. I have to drag them back downtown and trade them in or order a newpair of my beautiful lovely AkG 530s. They are my lifeline, my lover, and my greatest friend as of the moment and i can not believe they have betrayed me too, like all things i give my all to.

Also Wall*E is equally cute the second time around and i wish all relationships could consist of conversations involving one word and tones. I have to jump out of bed in 6 hours to start another long and horrific day of work and my lunesta is starting to hit the spot. The spot that usually requires the comfort of someone else to sleep, or even emotional satisfaction, I on the other hand do not need such things and in fact often would rather sleep by my lonesome once the occasional deed is done.

So here's to wanting nothing more than to hold hands or make that special someone smile. Go away winter so i can keep being ice hearted , not icy on the skin.

Billie Holiday- When You're Smiling
http://www.moteldemoka.com/moka/smiling.mp3

Joshua the Vegan(Vaginal Related?)

2008-11-20T22:14:00.000-08:00

My recently readopted vegetarian inclination has started to flourish into that of a vegan. I've felt increasingly more and more healthy as i eradicated meat from my diet as well as milk. I've taken the next step of striking out the cheeses and eggs but am a tad worried for my once in a while breakfast excursions for my newly discovered omlette. Until 2 summers ago i never ate breakfast and the idea of eating the product of a Chicken's vagina seemed less than tremendously compelling.

Maybe i just don't want to eat things that come out of an animal's vagina or milksacks. How absolutely stupendous and articulate of me to type that sentence(ugh). In all seriousness the idea is absolutely disgusting and brings to mind a certain kind of bondage i have no interest in exploring. Some S&M freaks may get off to the milking of themselves or others but for the most part the process of milk drinking and production should stop and end at the baby. Eggs are an entirely different story but it's certainly taboo to speak about eating the placenta of a human(completely different i know, but still a vaginal product).

I find it bitterly cold outside and a headache has locked me inside of my humble domain where i have made a completely vegan meal consisting of fake chicken breasts, peanut teriyaki sauce, and freshly cooked thai rice. It's being consumed in a fine shell shaped bowl with of all things a fork. I am too lazy for the particularities of consuming mainly rice with two sticks at this moment.

With the cold weather and the decreased sunlight hitting our skins it's important to stay positive as our vitamin d levels start to drop to meager levels.

The Streets- Stay Positive
http://www.schoolofmix.com/music/sp-stayposs.mp3

Cold Weather and the Cold of Moonlighting Bars

2008-11-19T16:50:00.000-08:00

Blogging is new to me and it's mainly meant to entertain myself as well as add some interesting music to the palettes of any of those who are reading it. This topic pertains to the event of my often floundering over beautiful barmaids like most guys. The only difference with barmaids is my incapability to talk to them unless particularly hammered or otherwise in a weird stupor. Mainly i feel as if it's all things they've heard before, mainly because they have, and even if my intentions are somewhat admirable i fear the inevitable scoff and eye roll.

So i suited up on Saturday night, not looking my best, and found myself being bombared by miniature water missiles from the sky. Upon finding refuge in a bar to watch our beloved Montreal Canadiens (under performing right now) we were served by a rather fetching waitress who acted not full of herself but played rather aloof. The point of this elaborate story is that i found myself slowly drinking myself to talking to her but never the less kept my tongue tight in it's mouth. However my eyes could not help but peer at her slimfitting jeans are tiny shoulders. The light fluff of her hair and her porcelain skin kept bringing my eyes away from the frosty ice and the moving puck but rather to her clavicles and strut. Alas i never grew the courage in my gut strong enough to make an absolute full of myself and found myself quite comfortable with another beer and some fatty fries to mark the beginning of what would be a very long night.

It's so much more fun to wonder about the possibilities than to know the consequences positive or negative sometimes. It's as if you waited years upon years for the touch of an admired one's lips and were met with dry, raspy, and awkward blowfish like kissing. How dissapointing would that be? Where would the fantasy go?
Anyways, it's frightengly cold outside and neverso more noticeable than at 6:35 in the morning as i rushed to work. So here's a song to stay somewhat warm too and think about those potential romances with bar staff that's probably already spoken for.

The Miserable Rich- The Barmaid's Canon
http://www.box.net/shared/vh9bleyqav

And here's something a tad more wintery
Jay Jay Pistolet- Holly
http://www.fileden.com/files/2008/8/8/2040924/05%20Holly.mp3
Salutations and stay warm

Betcha Heard Bells Boy-o

2008-11-18T21:14:00.000-08:00

As the cool air rushes by taking its toll on my skin i can't help to smell the snow in the air and suddenly found a new sort of symbolism running throughout my mind. Today was a good day, where metafiction and instruments consumed my sickened body. I discovered that i should play music behind all of the people i meet to make more enjoyable. Alas i can't hear a conversation with my lovely AKGs on my head so ill have to buy a boombox or a stereo to be implanted directly into my ear canals when conversations begin and others falter. I suppose my calloused heart is finding it's release to a string written by johann johannsson or a vocalist from sigur ros crooning out into the private world ive created between the speakers. I get shivers at 6am stepping outside, but not from the cold, no from the music and the the shapes of things.

With that said everyone should check out Johann Johannsson trilogy of albums about communicating computers and their eventual loss to us. it's all instrumental and makes quite a good winter listen or even wine and bedtime. The albums can be found here http://www.johannjohannsson.com/ for digital downloads at low prices or pirated(as most of us do)

This is life on the Bside for Joshua. The Boring Side, The Responsible Side.