Saturday, July 11, 2009

Directionless motion.

In 3 weeks time my right arm will be almost completely covered in art. There will only be a small portion of my arm lacking nautical flair and after 2 years i'll have another chapter opened and closed on my arm. Some sort of distinguishing memory erased and philosophy uncovered.

There's a storm outside. It's tenacious, it's proud and full of glory. It flashes like a nightclub with loud beats and bass lines and it speaks to me of living in the south and of being a child. I'm getting older and i can feel it. i can feel it grasping at my veins and pulling on the tissues of my muscles and the fibers of eyes. I can feel this substantial craving to crave as Nietzche once wrote and i'm having a harder time putting it down. The constant fight against genetics to remain fit, get slimmer, turn into dense mass and fight against the constrains of my body. To view my body as an opponent rather than an ally has long since been a staple in my psychology. My endorphins surge through my brain and cause pins and needles and sweet comfortable numbness across my appendages. i writhe and put my palm to my forehead and breath deep. it feels like fucking, it feels like pulsating destruction and passion that my body has lacked for a long time.

See i'm not passionate about much anything. I fight for the rights of the enviroment and am baffled by people telling me "i know your trying to save the enviroment but..." when they don't realize i'm trying to save us even though i don't think we're much worth it anymore. I have skewed views on how to fix things, i have heartless thoughts concocted and am often told my viewpoints are entertaining if not staggeringly unsympathetic. See, i don't have sympathy for fuck-ups. I've been a fuck-up and there's always a way out and our society is a giant and ungaingly tumour upon this planet.

I don't feel through interactions with people but i certainly feel through novels and literature. i read and gasp and laugh out loud. i take deep breaths and sling my head back at points being made in books by fictional characters or real truth based seekers. i lash out with my mind and pivot my body and i work out my frustrations through the throws of pumping iron and running to sweat out the filth and the anger. I keep my beast at bay and i keep my longing to long deep locked away with pills and management.

Things are different for me, things are darker for me. they may not seem so but they certainly are and i can't help but feel the ominous throws of mother nature do well to compare. i smile and grin and flirt but i'm so uninterested in it all. If someone could pull me back from my dark sea i'd be thoroughly impressed and intoxicated but i don't have the capacity.

Spoon- Me and the Bean

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