Playing me for ignorant, unaware, or unobservant is actually the most toxic action that can be done. I find it obscenely offensive and particularly disgusting. I have more cunning than i put on and most of the time i tend to act like a rather ignorant fool simply because i avoid conflict, confrontation, and mundane annoyances. This can no longer go on though. I've spent a lot of my life dealing with situations rather lightly and even scoffing at some of the more hurtful things that have been done or said to me. Any time i've been harassed verbally being called, "FAGGOT, FAIRY, COCKLOVER" or other such obscenities i've grinned passively and walked on by or continued the conversation with friends who are themselves saying how much of a "homo" i am. Recently i've been pretty tenacious with words and have been stepping up or simply arguing back. it builds and builds and occasioinally my walls overflow and the dark side of me takes over. That shadow of me is a completely different person, my antithesis, and sometimes i start to believe that it's possibly me more than the person i'm putting out.
The social, idiotic, demented joshua is just a body double for the thing i've walled up and caged in my inner most sanctums. it rattles the cage, plays games, and tenaciously roars out and looks out through my eyes. My brow furrows and my smirk is no longer goofy but intended to bear fangs and throw fists or verbal assaults on the spirit or body. People say deep down i'm still supremely loving and i am often told i am increasingly nice, if a bit schizophrenic, but under that is this thing and it's been fed without time for exercise. This week has been rather taxing as it's been getting darker earlier and earlier and my melatonin levels of course are on the fritz causing my mood disorder to certainly become more apparent. Maybe it's not my mood disorder though, maybe it's me just standing up for myself, for my intellect, for my morals.
I yelled something to the extent that after it was released i couldn't believe i said it. "SHE IS NOT A PIECE OF MEAT YOU CANT JUST SAY MAYBE THIS OR MAYBE HER. IT'S NOT FAIR AND ITS DISRESPECTFUL. HOW FUCKING DARE YOU!" and i immediatly was shocked that I, supreme masognist that i am, came out with that. Curiously, why in all of heavens would i care what someone does with someone else. I've been feeling less and less human of late, like their some things running meagerly around in some sort of simulation of life. It's almost debillitating, and each person i sleep with takes another piece of my humanity and leaves me more and more dissassociated from the individuals i'm surrounded by.
More importantly, fuck people for thinking i'm oblivious to my surroundings and social interactions. i read people like an open book, i can tell by facial contortions and muscle contractions just how what i'm doing affects you and i'll judge it and make the most of it to deduce a conclusion. People should step up and have the balls, or the respect to say things to me as opposed to trapsing around behind my back. Hell, when you're friend is bleeding would you really go home to try and fuck someone.
What the fuck?
In other news, if harper dissolves Parliament we should protest and the New York times is ridiculously good. i may not be in school but i certainly keep myself educated. it's a lot better than dealing with people. They don't know me, no one ever will. I see what's not being shown and i only show what i want to. No one will ever get in there to be with me because i only show shades of grey and i'm tired of people being so pretentious as to believe they EVEN KNOW where i'm coming from. it would make me sick.
if i thought any of it was worth it.
SONG FOR THE DAY
LILY ALLEN-FUCK YOUhttp://www.yousendit.com/transfer.php?action=batch_download&batch_id=TTZtWmdnUzhFc0ozZUE9PQ
5 comments:
bam bam thank you ma'am.
You and I, we've had this conversation a few times before, I think. I can't say "I completely understand" because my "darkness" is not yours and, of course, we feel things differently when we feel things at all.
All the same, you absolutely should not let people play you down or underestimate you. That only leads to being taken advantage of, something you've dealt with quite enough by now I'd say.
You're easily the most intellectual person I know, bar none. If other people can't acknowledge that or try to slight it by associating you with useless terms like "homo", it only makes it easier for you to overwhelm them.
Maybe your other side is more truly you and maybe none of us will ever really know each other, but I'll always be honest and straight-forward with you, it's a respect thing.
If Harper manages to dissolve Parliament, we'll just have to revolt and have him hung publicly. He's single handedly destroying Canada.
Your face looks bad ass. Painful, but bad ass. You healing alright?
(sorry for the monster comment.)
Anyone who spends more than a minute with you knows that you are one of the most intellectual and intelligent young men out there.
these days it's like you can only be one or the other, black or white.
it's all about being in the grey area buddy!
one day, we need to trade brains so I can have an english vocabulary of more than 38words.
hahah no worries on the monster comment jason! it's very true. you at least understand the extent of having a completely separate person inside of you.
i'm very much for revolting. it's what i'm doing in my social life and distinctly cleaning house with a bit more tenacity than most people are used to. minus the completely psychotic joshua brought on by extenuating circumstances who's been trained and toned down into someone much more manageable.
i might say shit behind peoples back but i expect them to hear it, why ELSE WOULD I SAY IT.
Thank you jp
thank you christina.
I love you
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