death of the sidekick

Here it goes,
i have not been this happy in over 2 years. It has taken me a full on year to conquer myself again as opposed to being a side-kick or the proverbial dumb friend who sometimes talks. I was shackled to an idea and then i was shackled to a friend with a persona placed upon me that was by no means me. i was holed up and shelled in pretending i was less than what i am, completely and utterly sacrificing myself, my promise, for a lowdown unenthusiastic side-liner. It was as if i've been sitting on the bench for 2 years at all the best games but never got to run a play, never scored a goal, or carried the ball past the red zone.

It's the holidays and for once it doesn't feel like them in the least. i'm neither depressed, lonely, or even worried (apparently i should be?) about my social interactions with people. i've met a constant influx of people and enjoy the free gifts given to me through pedestrians and people seeing me at my best. every day i lose a little more weight, a little more of the pathetic excuse for a human i was, and i lose more shackles and chains. my skin is becoming more clear and my stride has become stronger with eyes like daggers and words tumbling out as kisses and embraces are welcomed.

sometimes i write about how we should all look back at the giant rivers of our lives, of the way every different person that lives inside of us is a stream that flows into a tributary and mixes to form the sediment of who we are today. instead, at this point of time in the year, i say we should look forward. WE should look past the current economic crisis, the global recession, and the unsure political footing of our neighbours. we should look at what we most want for ourselves because being selfish is the only way most of us live these days but i believe we should try and do more for those less fortunate or even give a smile or a polite compliment to a stranger.

i am not by any means becoming more human. in fact my emotions are shedding constantly and i'm left with nothing but an utter weightlessness. i am left to float as a cloud to whatever takes me and along the jetstream of life with the hollowness inside of me that people find the need to talk to because it's so easy to throw your words into a hole as opposed to a wall. my outside is warm but my innerdepths are frosty like the weather and refined. i only desire art and film. i desire literature and poetry and i had denied my need for so long to fit into their social strata. i was so much more before all of us this, and i am becoming so much more once again.

these last few days have been utterly insane and i am so incredibly elated by the sanctuary that is myself. the walls that make up my life are so very clear and i have stopped being mousy and sacrificing bits and pieces of myself because i am supposed to be funny, or easy to deal with, or the butt of a joke.

happy holidays... i confused all the jewish people at my work. they all decided i was catholic, or christian, but i smiled and said "hornstein" and their look of disbelief was almost tragic. Then i said, "but in actuality i'm an atheist, i don't live for heaven." It's true. i also don't want to die peacefully in a bed, too tired to stand up and needing the aid of a walker when i look back at my exploits. instead i wish to die through a vicarious act, a daredevilish stunt, or fighting for something....


"The only disease you ever had was cholera"
"No mama, you confuse cholera for love."

Song,
none
ill post one later.