Something's different (Plumbing Problems Forever)

The holiday season does not by any means feel like any other holiday season that i have ever walked through. it could be the constant news of the global recession or my fairly new atheistic belief system. It might be the fact that for once in a fairly long time i am free of bonds and no longer considered an accessory or sidekick but have once again, after many years, asserted myself as my own strong willed individual. I may be a bit of a Goff these days with an overly confident attitude but none the less it leads to more grins and constant jokes around the town.

As selfish as i may seem i often deal out good will and nights out simply because i enjoy watching someone have fun. The fun another person can have isn't tempered by my lackluster side. the part of me that is completely and utterly dissociated from humanity, emotional empathy, and points even destructive and vindictive. Therefore i can watch as someone enjoys their time with my inner monster locked tight in his cage without risking the chance for it to make a leaping dash for the door as i could open it a bit with temptation.

Inside of me there are two unique individuals. Their flooding of my veins can change my gestures, my temperament, and even the way my stride is played out. I have become increasingly more aware over the last 3 years that if i do not keep the reigns on one that personality tends to get the best of me and override any sense or understanding i have as it fights to protect me, and only me. it is my monster that craves the conflict, destruction, and the revealing of the fragility of mental states and physical mass. In that regard, i feel that people should understand by now that these distinct personalities are for the most part friendly unless united whole heartedly in a cause. AS one personality slips over another it often feels like the first hit of a drug, the first influx of love, the second kiss and the first glance of a naked lover. It's exciting to let go but i need to maintain the kinder personality for the sake of evolving and playing nice in the proverbial sandpit that is life.

In real life, my plumbing problems have once again returned with a vengence. For those of you that have known me for a long time, a while back i awoke to a jetstream of hot water firing from the sink and down through 3 stories of a house in westmount. at the time i heard it, i believed others in the house were taking an extra large shower and cuddled comfortably in a large bed refusing to acknowledge the problem until a later time.

Later that year i awoke on the couch, drunk from a bottle of vodka and a broken heart, to yet another house flooded by a finicky toilet and a yelling landlord. This year i show up at JAva-U under Reno. I'm talking we need Holmes on Homes on this shit. My first trepadatious step upon viewing a man pulling down the ceiling was into plaster and water gushing from the ceiling. It hasn't stopped gushing, in fact we set up a barricade and made an ice slick from a full garbage can of water. right now, at this very moment, it is probably overflowing another garbage can so i can go swimming in java-u when i open tomorrow. Ironically, yesterday i pretended that i was in a canoe and canoed around java u with a tiki stick claiming i had just returned from safari while singing along to the greatest hits of the 90s.

I can not wait for the mess i will be welcomed with in the morning.

I have also taken my leave from partying, constantly, for nights of sleep in these cold of days. last night i texted people while watching scary movies and tonight, i apparently look a lot like shaggy from scooby doo because of my hair do and green v. I also just had a conversation about being an atheist with the pizza shop owner. i am fairly tired from lunesta.

Song for night.
NIN-Echoplex

http://www.culturebully.com/the-hub-tuesday-november-25-2008- scroll down for direct link

funny because im listening to iron and wine...

oh welll.


ps
i had a dream that we were married in field with rings i had surged the globe for, just so i could say i had found love, conquered love, but then i felt the need to destroy it. the ring couldn't come off and soon felt heavy and worn, cutting off circulation and turning my finger shades of blue and purple. i yelled as my eyes fixated solely on the golden band that meant promises forever and i kissed her back but i felt a connection no longer. split second rage, i ran to the sea with an old swiss army knife and a bottle of alcohol. i splayed my finger from my hand, ring and all, before relinquishing this anchor into the sea.

marriage i am warry of.

i can not be owned.... and i will not be your "and"